Posted by
Redhead on Monday, August 18, 2008 10:54:33 PM
This is a companion piece to part nine of Liberal Logic, Religion vs. the State, found here.In some parts of the country you can be blasted as bitter for clinging to religion, but in redneck country it can mark you as someone who isn’t too lazy to get up on Sunday.
In redneck country, we love our Jesus. That is why, when it comes to going to church, we always wear our best Sunday outfits for the occasion.
We believe in honoring the Commandments of God. We are proud to honor the sanctity of marriage, and celebrate accordingly. We appreciate the chance to read our Bibles wherever we may be.
In redneck country, we believe that people should be able to practice their religion any way they choose. If that means staying home on Sundays and catching a race, well so be it. We’ll talk about you while you ain’t here, but we won’t hold it against you in the long run. Just so long as you don’t sit there in the pews while your preacher spouts hatred for this country and them claim you ain’t heard it.
1. The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
2. People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
3. When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
4. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
5. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
6. The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."
7. In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
8. People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
9. The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.
10.The choir robes were donated by and embroidered with the logo from Billy Bob's Barbecue.
11.The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.
12.Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.
13.The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
14.The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
15."Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.
16.The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear."