Posted by
Redhead on Thursday, June 19, 2008 7:11:50 PM
I was trying to get ahead of this Carbon Credit thing before the bill died, but I had a few questions that needed answering before I really felt comfortable getting in too deep. So I called by Carbon Credit Broker, Mr. Donkeythumper. I think he’s part American Indian.
He agreed to set up a meeting at the local Starbucks the next day. I’m not a big Starbucks fan, but I agree to the location anyway, because Donkeythumper says it’s convenient for him. He also lets me know that he hates being called “Mister.” He says he doesn’t want to become part of that whole corporate vibe.
So I get there a little early the next day and order myself a cup of coffee; “Regular, Regular, Black, Regular.” “One Joe Shmoe!” The barista hollers to the back. After serving me, Donkeythumper takes off his apron and sits down with me at the table.
“What’s up, dude?” He begins. He's very informal, but I was referred to him by
my brother, Karl.
“Well, I’ve got a few questions about Carbon Credits and taxes.” I say. “I’m a little confused, what with the new Cap and Trade, and windfall profits taxes, and so forth.”
“Yeah, that stuff’s deep, man. But they’ll get it all figured out, then we can all get on board and live the righteous life. Those are some smart dudes up there in Wash’, you know? So lay it on me, man.”
“Well, if I buy a lot of Credits, and then sell them after some catastrophe at a profit, will I be subject to a windfall profits tax?”
Donkeythumper assures me he’ll look into this.
“What if I’ve got these Credits stored in my garage, or in my shed out back, and the house catches fire, will they be covered under my home insurance? Will I have to buy additional Carbon Credits to pay off the carbon debit I’ve incurred during the fire?”
Donkeythumper shakes his head. His dreadlocks nearly knock over my coffee. He offers to sell me some Carbon Credit Insurance that will cover me in case of a loss. He says it’s very reasonable.
“What if I need to sell my Carbon Credits later this year? Will I be subject to Capital Gains taxes? How long should I hold onto them?”
Donkeythumper abruptly gets up. He tells me his break is almost over, and he needs to go out back and take his meds, although he does invite me out to share. Apparently this vibrant young man has glaucoma! Just goes to show, you can’t tell what kind of crisis someone may be having just by looking at them.
Well, it’s been almost a week, and even though I bought nearly a million tons worth of Carbon Credits from Donkeythumper, I have yet to hear back from him. His mom says he and his best buddy left out for California the next day, for a Carbon Credit Conference, I’m sure. His phone must not work very well out there, because whenever I call, all I hear are screams and “Yes, Yes, Yes,” no matter what I ask him.
So, what should I do? Can anyone help me with my questions? I may need to get another broker.